The reality of our new reality

I really can't believe it, but today marks exactly two months that Jess and I have been in Pennsylvania. Exactly two months ago we said goodbye to our families, our friends, & our home. We said goodbye to our old hangout spots, the places we would go on dates together, our memory lanes & our Monterey county culture. Everything that I knew, my whole reality, was in California. And If I may be honest, I was deathly afraid I wasn't going to be able to get on that plane and leave it all behind.

The only real comfort was the thought that I wasn't going alone. I would constantly look over at Jess and see that she was going through all these emotions with me. She's going with me too, I would think. Which moved me to try and comfort her as we dealt with that very difficult day. I'd try my hardest to prevent those tears building up in her eyes from rolling down her face. I'd smile and tell her that we would be okay; but even I caught myself having to work at believing my own words. And when I couldn't keep the tears from falling, I sometimes would join in. But at least we were together. She was the only piece of my California that was going with me. And I was hers. Every other aspect of life would have to change and mold to something else.

Fast forward two months from that day, and you'll find me sitting in an office, learning the ropes of a church called LCBC. Jess is found in our new apartment, either updating this blog, unpacking boxes, editing photos, or cuddling with our new cat Atticus (yes, like the character in to To Kill a Mockingbird).

Although we've gone through these last few months together, I'm certain that we've had completely different experiences and encounters here. I think that just comes with the territory of having one spouse working full time and the other not.

But there are things we've experienced alike. I know for me, and I think Jess too, two months have seemed like two weeks. February seemed to be nothing but a sign along the freeway, and I was going 70 MPH. We made eye contact, then it was gone.

So where am I now? Well, I could make this post very long and go into vast resources of thoughts on many of my experiences so far. But to continue with the theme of this post, I'll simply say moving is hard. I don't think it's possible to fully prepare for a move across the country if one has never done it. I know I thought I was, but I wasn't.

Believe it or not, but the easiest adjustment was the physical move. Although moving an entire house isn't easy, it's probably the easiest to put in place when compared to the mental life, and spiritual life. I've adjusted to the time zone. Yes it's cold, but thankfully there are scarves, teas, coffee, and the concept of layering clothing to keep me warm. A cold house is fixed with heaters and blankets. And the deprivation of authentic Mexican food (which is ridiculously hard to deal with!) can be fixed by making it yourself. The winter here is very dry, but I drink lots of water so my voice is fine.

Mentally however, I'm not nearly as content. Let me explain like this. Imagine your entire life is in the shape of cup. This cup represents the capacity of what your life can hold in the sense of time; relationships, God, work, hobbies, sleeping, friends, etc.. Whatever you devote time to in your life goes in this cup. However, your cup can overfill and spill; this is when you realize there is too much going on. This leads to possible burnout, exhaustion, and fatigue -physically, mentally, & spiritually; so we cut things, or people out in order to stay sane.

In California, my cup and Jess's was almost full. We had plenty of relationships in there, a great church with church activities, family & events, hobbies, and many close friends who go years back. And to be honest, there wasn't much room in our cup, or life, for many other genuine relationships. I could probably squeeze in a few hangouts once a month with people, but most my time was already taken by someone else, or something else.

Well, in Pennsylvania our cup is much much closer to being empty than it is to being half-full. We have a great church, we have a cat, we have a few T.V. shows we watch, and we've met some great people; some of whom we think have the possibility of being friends.

But it's the genuine relationships that we feel we're still missing.

You see, people here are like how we were in California. Their cup, their relational capacity, for most, is already full. They have full-time jobs, and families (which can already be enough to fill a life). They have the best friends that they've had for years. They have family they're with on holidays. They have their hobbies and things they do for fun, and the people go along with them. Their lives are already set. If they were to allow Jess and I to take space in their lives, for most, their cup would overfill. Simply because they don't have room (or time) in their lives without having to cut out something else.

I don't hold it against them. I know when I was in their place in California I was the same way. When I was at FPC, there would be people who would pursue a genuine relationship with me. But for most, I couldn't fit them into my life. I already had the relationships that revolved around music. The friends who I'd call for game nights. The people who I would catch up with over lunch. And those who I would call every other day to come over. If someone new tried to squeeze in, most of the time they wouldn't fit, or would have to take the slot of time & space that someone else previously had. Oh how complicated relationships are!

So here we are. Searching to fill the voids in our relational life. Trying to find not just people who have time, but people who should have relationships with us and us with them. People don't just become great friends because they have time, they need to have things in common, mutual perspectives, and mutual things going on in life. Otherwise it just takes more time and effort in order to relate to the other person. The good news is, I have Jess, and she has me, and that goes a long way. It's forced us to get along better, communicate better, and simply have more fun together, even if we have to compromise with each other for what "fun" is.

I know this is a failed attempt at making a short post, but it's where my heart has been lately. I think for both of us.

But how do you relate to this? Are you also searching for people to do life with? Who go beyond being being an acquaintance? Someone to share things in life with that make you smile, cry, and laugh? If not, do you realize how blessed you are to have those people? I would encourage you to let them know how much you value having them in your life (yes even if it's nothing but a bunch of dudes who do manly things together). Everyone longs to be valued and appreciated. And If you have the time in your life, would you try giving some of it to someone who possibly has too much of it to themselves? who may not have what you have?

As far as the spiritual transition goes, I'll set that aside for another post.

If you wouldn't mind, would you pray for Jess and I? That we would find people here to help make this place our new home. I know we'd appreciate it. 

A quote that put a knot in my throat

I follow John Piper, a well known author and pastor,  on twitter. He's not one of those people who tweets once an hour, but more like once every few days. When he says something, it's usually worth taking note; much like C.S. Lewis.

Anyway...

I read one of his tweets a while ago and it pretty much slapped me across the face. twice.

It was somewhere along the lines of, "If you're afraid of offending someone when you speak, nothing will ever come out of your mouth."

It's been a while since I've said anything, via Facebook, Twitter, on here, etc. The reason? Well to be honest I'm constantly fighting letting people's opinions run my life. And for a while I've been losing. I care about what people think about me. My thoughts, my music, my perspective, my life.  Although I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, I've realized I care too much. Too much to the point where I no longer say or do or write anything because I'm afraid of how it's going to be perceived. Can I be honest with you? It's a miserable way to live. It really is.

Call it cliché, but I've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try to be cool/acceptable/trendy/hip, I'm always falling short in someone's opinion. And I think I now know why. They are dealing with exact same problem I am.

You see, God took the blindfold off and showed me a mirror. I'm always tempted to be negative and critical of others. You can ask my wife. My close friends. Call me a Debbie Downer because I have an eye for pointing out what's wrong in people, in life, and in circumstances. But my wife is the complete opposite. I think that's why I'm starting to see it in myself. What makes this whole thing ironic though is that I'm as fragile as thin glass when it comes to hearing criticism from someone else. Especially people I don't know. If there was a phobia for being afraid of hearing negative things about yourself, I would have it. Even constructive criticism is like taking a baseball bat to the gut. It hurts so bad that I try and avoid it at all costs, missing out on ways to improve. Sometimes I'll even break down in tears.

I now know that I tear others down, sometimes in harsh ways, in order to make myself feel better about myself. My sinfulness leads me believe that when I point out the flaws in another person (most of the time just opinons not facts), and magnify them so greatly, that somehow by doing this, I fool other people into focusing on how bad they are and not how bad I am.

How malicious the human's heart is.

So where does God fit into all of this? Allow me to try and describe to you how I see it in my mind.

I find myself in a room the size of a large living room. In it are people. All sorts of people. Big people. Small people. People I know. People I don't know. Angry people. Happy People.

They're all crowded in this room with me; facing me. All telling me things. Good things, bad things, unknown things, things left to my own interpretation, some are whispered, some yelled across the room. This chaos of verbiage is all going on at the same time; picture the chaos of the stock market happening in your living room.

God is also in this room.

But unfortunately, because I control the proximity of the people in this room, I've put God in the back corner; behind the people inches away from my face yelling things at me.

God's speaking to me too, competing for my attention behind these people, trying so hard to be heard; to get me to look at Him.

You see, the entire room is telling me what to change about myself; what they like and what they don't like.

God's no different. He's suggesting that I change certain things about myself too. But the way He presents these suggestions is totally different from the rest. He's not the loudest voice, He's the quietest.

But the choice is mine. I turn the volume of the voices up or down. I control who is where in the room. I'm left with the responsibility to re-arrange these people, to turn others down some, and to kick others out completely.

I call this room influence.

What is influencing you right now? Am I? What about the last website you were just on? What about this morning? This evening?

I've found that throughout my day, I will be inviting things (or people) into my room of influence; sometimes not even realizing I sent out an invitation. Some of the faces in my room have been there for years, others I will only see for a day.

Who, or what, is in your room?

Celebrities? Television? Radio? Friends? Money? Culture? God?

For me, I had to kick some people out, turn others down, and bring God in a little closer.

Something that came along with God coming in a little closer, was the reminder of how short this life is. In it, are the lives of others that are just as short, and many of them in very similar rooms. Rooms filled with just as much, if not more people than were in mine. Leaving you, just like me, feeling inadequate, or hurting. But God might not be in your room. Maybe the lights have gone out, leaving you completely clueless to what's influencing you.

My hope and prayer is that if you're like me, prone to retreat and hide when facing criticism or inadequacy, and calling out what is wrong with the rest of the world, that you'll find courage and strength to be who God made you to be, but also be open to letting God mold and change you. Learn and follow the perspective of Jesus through the Bible, allow God to change how you're mind works. Not only will it be freeing, but it will allow you to help others as well.

Sincerely,

René

And the result is...

Going to bed at 2 a.m. with a thoughts as busy as calculus problems took its toll and resulted in me waking late and therefore being late to my class, that I have to drive 35 min too. However there is something about waking up in the morning and knowing that you have "extra" time, that makes you feel as though you've just won a million dollars. "Congratulations! You just won extra time!". Time is so valuable. Especially in a time where time seems to become more and more of a stranger every day.
However, that wasn't the case this morning. I felt as though time had abandoned me on a desert island and sailed away on a ship going as fast as it could.
When I was recording "A little 19 in Every1" time seemed to be as unfamiliar as a foreign language. We would walk into the studio around 10 a.m. and be in there, literally, all day. I would walk out the door of the studio, without glancing at my cell phone, expecting to walk to into the "Beautiful" 110 degree weather of Fresno, only to walk into a dark night (not batman) shadowed by the moon, bright stars and planets.
"Didn't we only track guitars today?"
"Yup, have a good night man"
"You too dude"

Who would've known playing a guitar all day could literally mean all day.
I stopped and thought to myself, "Music is timeless" and I laughed as I walked towards my car.
Speaking of time, I need to get ready for my next class. Watch the clock or the clock will walk away from you.

"And that's my new philosophy"

Last week I attend (and had a minor role in) a school play a few friends of mine were in. A friend of mine sang a song, and did a very good job, about her "new philosophy" and it made me think. In my philosophy class some pretty "out there" ideas are stated. For example, "Movement is impossible....Kings only rule and have no knowledge, while philosophers do....'Doggie's have doggie virtues that makes it more excellent in itself'....as do knives....Nothing exists, if you don't see it's shadow ( like the words you're reading right now)... Pretty bold statements that are only ideas. If you really look at it, we live in a world full of ideas. Everything is made up by someone who thought about it long enough.
Lately I've been around people's philosophy more than usual. In one of my classes, which is more of a philosophy class then my philosophy class, we are asked our opinions on things. We are encouraged to share our thoughts. People are expect to know that everyone is different and not everyone agrees on everything. What I learned in this class a few days ago, is that some people will love you if you agree with them, and try to embarrass you and gang up on you, if you say something different. It was a difficult class. But I didn't walk out of there feeling defeated, or even angry. I felt good, because I didn't stand down for what I believed in (unlike other people in the class) or even offend any opposing ideas. I welcomed them and simply ask why they believed that thought. A simple question. Sadly, what I got was a class full insults, rolling of eyes, mocking, laughing, and immaturity. I was pretty disappointed. It was also at that point when I realized people will refuse to listen to you, even if you're making pretty valid points. I'm having a hard time remembering what words of mine weren't twisted and used against me. It seemed as though the teacher called on me to state my opinion only to get everyone else "participating". People will do, and say anything to avoid hearing a point, maybe being wrong, or feeling defeated. But it's ok. People who are usually unsure, or who don't have all the answers tend to freak out about things like that. So it's ok. I wont try and pretend to know and understand everything around me, and know how every human being thinks and acts. All I can do is love on people and that's what Ill remain doing. Because without love, nothing makes life worth living.

Some people find it hard to discern if they're still sleeping when their eyes are widely introduced to a fuzzy ceiling in the morning. Other's wait all night for the relief of dreams and escape from the world outside they're window.
What's my case? I wish I could be as tired as I am when I wake up in the morning, when I am wanting so badly to be asleep along with the rest of the world at 2 a.m.
Maybe perhaps getting off the computer would help...
Goodnight world.